Over two months ago, I posted about my involvement with Nebraska By Heart, a public art project created in conjunction with Nebraska’s Sesquicentennial.  I wrote about how my rendering of sandhill cranes was accepted and then sponsored, about how I was waiting for my six foot, 100-pound heart to be delivered to me so I could paint it, about how excited I was to be on this side of a public art project.

Then I waited.

I couldn’t start until my heart was delivered.  And while I waited, I took my Academic Decathlon team to Regionals…and State.  I had meeting after meeting about the upcoming Chautauqua, Arbor Day, Farm to Fork, and Gran Fondo.  We had the NCTC Banquet and Quiz Bowl competitions.

On February 20, 2017, this happened:

That’s my HEART!  It was delivered and placed upstairs in the NCTC house in a big empty room that’s flooded with natural light…the perfect temporary studio.  So I bought my paints and brushes.

…and registered Luke for his sophomore year.  And listened to Royals Spring Training games.  And performed in the Apple Corps Barbershop Show.  And started musical rehearsal.  And played pep band at State Basketball.  And became certified to drive a white bus for school activities.   And interviewed a 93-year-old man in Omaha about his life for a future book.  And had more meetings about Arbor Day and all of Nebraska City’s NE150 events.

Do you see what’s happening here?  When the idea of painting my heart…of putting something of myself out there for the whole world (or at least a good handful of Nebraskans) to see was just that — AN IDEA — I couldn’t wait to get started.  When it became real…six feet, 100 pounds of real…I panicked.

But, earlier this week, I slipped up the steps of the NCTC house and visited my heart.  I sat next to it and put my hand on it.  I talked to it like it was a friend, like it was God.  In my conversation, my prayer, I was honest about my fears…my fears of inadequacy, stretching myself too thin, failing.  These are not new fears.  They are always there, right under my skin, no matter what I do.

I wish I could tell you that I heard God speak to me that day, that He put all my fears to rest.  It didn’t work that way.  I did feel better after admitting why I was dragging my feet in getting started with the project, but the anxiety is still there.  It’s just after 9 a.m. on Friday, March 24, 2017, and I’m about to shut my computer and head to my ‘studio’ to begin work on my six foot, 100-pound heart.  The regular-sized heart inside me is pulsing a little faster than normal this morning and I can’t seem to stop bouncing my legs up and down as I sit here.  Yup, the anxiety is there, alright.  But, luckily, the excitement is winning.

Day 1.